Doubts

I'm starting to have doubts about this. I feel like we may have weaned Baby J too early. My husband is completely confident that we did the right thing. He thinks that I'm having doubts not because of anything Baby J is doing, but because I miss it. I think it's a little of both. She does still ask for it, and last night, for some reason, my boobs got engorged again and started leaking. That had pretty much stopped about 5 days ago. I think I had worn too tight of a bra or something.

But now she is eating lots of formula and eating more solid food, which was one of our main concerns before we weaned her. (The doctors were worried she was iron deficient at some point, and the formula definitely helps with that.) Her mood ranges from the same to better at most points during the day.

I guess one of the main drags is that right before my weekend away she got sick and started nursing full boar again. Also, because she isn't getting any of the good stuff anymore, she still has a little bit of the sickness. I feel like she might be over the cold if she had mama milk the whole time.

I suppose if I cast my mind back to a little over a week ago when I was nursing, I was getting tired of it. The all night nursings, the constant need for my milk throughout the day, being the only one to be able to console her quickly. And I wanted my body back - meaning I wanted to be able to eat and drink what I wanted -- meaning I wanted to drink wine at will.

Perhaps not ever taking a day or night away from her created this situation. If I had let my husband take her for an evening and night while I went out and lived it up I probably would have come back a little more refreshed and ready to nurse the next day. Instead I convinced myself that I couldn't get away.

My milk is running out. I'm not engorged now, but can still feel it hard in my boob. But, it's definitely leaving me. That makes me tear up. The other day I was able to more accurately pinpoint the feeling that I was having. It was loss. I felt like I was losing my baby. I would go into her room, see her stuff, smell her smell and realize that I hadn't lost her. She is still here. And that would make me feel better.

Today I realized that I'm not physically losing her (obviously - but these hormones and the intensity of emotions I'm having make me feel crazy irrational things), but that I am saying goodbye to the baby part of my daughter. The baby part of her is leaving and weaning her makes it more apparant. So sad.

Big news

My husband has been suggesting that I go away for a weekend to relax while he takes care of Baby J. After many weeks I decided that this could be a good idea. I felt like we were making some weaning progress recently - Baby J was really only nursing in the morning and at night.

So, I thought this weekend would go relatively smoothly. But two days before I left she got a little sick and started feeding all the time. I decided to go ahead and do the weekend anyway, since plans were already in place. I was thinking that I'd still feed her a few times a day after the weekend was over and I was back home so I wasn't too worried. Well, I was worried, but I didn't think that after a day and night away any major changes would take place. I mean, we thought that we would be making in-roads to weaning, but nothing too dramatic.

I left on Friday at 5:30 pm. Baby J cried hard when I left. I had been telling her all day that I was going away for the weekend, so I think she knew what was happening. But, my husband said she stopped cyring pretty quickly. They went for a walk, had some food and he then put her to bed. I think she was a little fussy during the night, maybe needed to feed 2x. He ended up putting her in bed with him for half the night, but at least she slept.

They had a good day on Saturday, and kept very busy. He said she would say "mama mama mama" a lot, but she was always ok taking the bottle. He also said she ate more solid food than normal. Sunday morning was fine and I was home by 11:00 am. Before I got home I told myself that I was going to see if it would be possible to continue bottle feeding only, and not go back to nursing. I figured we'd done some hard work towards that already and maybe, in a way, it would be easier on Baby J not to go back and forth.

Anyway,I was so anxious to see her! She was happy to see me, smiled lots and reached out for me to hold her. I was relieved that she remembered me, still loved me, and wanted me to hold her. :)

We had a neighbor's birthday party to go to right away, so we pretty quickly went back out the door. I thought this would be ok since it would keep her busy and her mind off of nursing. But, at this point she got really clingy to me. She spent the whole party holding on to me and hiding her head. But, that was ok.

Then we went home and I tried to put her down for her nap. She was pawing at me to nurse and was screaming and crying. I finally had to ask my husband to put her to sleep. Once he got her she was down in five minutes. He says he just holds her and she ends up passing out. He thinks she just doesn't have the same level of interest in him as she does in me.

That whole episode made me feel really bad. I started crying and was weepy the rest of the day. The feeling is hard to describe. Is it grief? love? sadness? I guess all of those things. Nursing was such a special, intimate and constant part of our relationship from the day she was born. And now it's gone. (At least for now -- I assume it's gone for good, but I should really reserve that statement until more time has past.)

Maybe I didn't prepare myself, and possibly Baby J, as much as I should have. I know I didn't prepare for the basics of caring for my boobs. I forgot to bring nursing pads and cabbage leaves and I hadn't really read too much on the subject. I'd gotten info from friends, but not a ton. The first day my boobs were leaking, engorged and unbelievably painful. That just got worse as the day went on. The next day was the same. The next day was maybe a small bit better, or maybe I had just gotten used to the pain. Today is definitely better. I can see a size difference, there's less leakage and the pain is waining. I haven't pumped at all, which is an option. But, I think I'm over the hurdle, so I'm just sticking it out.

Yesterday I was weepy at points. Today I'm less weepy, but still emotional. I get weepy when she wants to nurse or I'm holding her while she's taking a bottle, or when I'm holding her as she's going to sleep. I'll never feel her sweet lips on me again. I'll never be able to meet that basic need with my own body. Of course, I'm weepy now as I write this. It's also making me realize that she is getting older and will keep getting older. I realize how hard (and good) life is going to be because of loving her so much.

Well, I'll post more on how she's doing with solid food, sleep and if she continues to stay weaned. I can't believe this day has come.