Doubts

I'm starting to have doubts about this. I feel like we may have weaned Baby J too early. My husband is completely confident that we did the right thing. He thinks that I'm having doubts not because of anything Baby J is doing, but because I miss it. I think it's a little of both. She does still ask for it, and last night, for some reason, my boobs got engorged again and started leaking. That had pretty much stopped about 5 days ago. I think I had worn too tight of a bra or something.

But now she is eating lots of formula and eating more solid food, which was one of our main concerns before we weaned her. (The doctors were worried she was iron deficient at some point, and the formula definitely helps with that.) Her mood ranges from the same to better at most points during the day.

I guess one of the main drags is that right before my weekend away she got sick and started nursing full boar again. Also, because she isn't getting any of the good stuff anymore, she still has a little bit of the sickness. I feel like she might be over the cold if she had mama milk the whole time.

I suppose if I cast my mind back to a little over a week ago when I was nursing, I was getting tired of it. The all night nursings, the constant need for my milk throughout the day, being the only one to be able to console her quickly. And I wanted my body back - meaning I wanted to be able to eat and drink what I wanted -- meaning I wanted to drink wine at will.

Perhaps not ever taking a day or night away from her created this situation. If I had let my husband take her for an evening and night while I went out and lived it up I probably would have come back a little more refreshed and ready to nurse the next day. Instead I convinced myself that I couldn't get away.

My milk is running out. I'm not engorged now, but can still feel it hard in my boob. But, it's definitely leaving me. That makes me tear up. The other day I was able to more accurately pinpoint the feeling that I was having. It was loss. I felt like I was losing my baby. I would go into her room, see her stuff, smell her smell and realize that I hadn't lost her. She is still here. And that would make me feel better.

Today I realized that I'm not physically losing her (obviously - but these hormones and the intensity of emotions I'm having make me feel crazy irrational things), but that I am saying goodbye to the baby part of my daughter. The baby part of her is leaving and weaning her makes it more apparant. So sad.

Big news

My husband has been suggesting that I go away for a weekend to relax while he takes care of Baby J. After many weeks I decided that this could be a good idea. I felt like we were making some weaning progress recently - Baby J was really only nursing in the morning and at night.

So, I thought this weekend would go relatively smoothly. But two days before I left she got a little sick and started feeding all the time. I decided to go ahead and do the weekend anyway, since plans were already in place. I was thinking that I'd still feed her a few times a day after the weekend was over and I was back home so I wasn't too worried. Well, I was worried, but I didn't think that after a day and night away any major changes would take place. I mean, we thought that we would be making in-roads to weaning, but nothing too dramatic.

I left on Friday at 5:30 pm. Baby J cried hard when I left. I had been telling her all day that I was going away for the weekend, so I think she knew what was happening. But, my husband said she stopped cyring pretty quickly. They went for a walk, had some food and he then put her to bed. I think she was a little fussy during the night, maybe needed to feed 2x. He ended up putting her in bed with him for half the night, but at least she slept.

They had a good day on Saturday, and kept very busy. He said she would say "mama mama mama" a lot, but she was always ok taking the bottle. He also said she ate more solid food than normal. Sunday morning was fine and I was home by 11:00 am. Before I got home I told myself that I was going to see if it would be possible to continue bottle feeding only, and not go back to nursing. I figured we'd done some hard work towards that already and maybe, in a way, it would be easier on Baby J not to go back and forth.

Anyway,I was so anxious to see her! She was happy to see me, smiled lots and reached out for me to hold her. I was relieved that she remembered me, still loved me, and wanted me to hold her. :)

We had a neighbor's birthday party to go to right away, so we pretty quickly went back out the door. I thought this would be ok since it would keep her busy and her mind off of nursing. But, at this point she got really clingy to me. She spent the whole party holding on to me and hiding her head. But, that was ok.

Then we went home and I tried to put her down for her nap. She was pawing at me to nurse and was screaming and crying. I finally had to ask my husband to put her to sleep. Once he got her she was down in five minutes. He says he just holds her and she ends up passing out. He thinks she just doesn't have the same level of interest in him as she does in me.

That whole episode made me feel really bad. I started crying and was weepy the rest of the day. The feeling is hard to describe. Is it grief? love? sadness? I guess all of those things. Nursing was such a special, intimate and constant part of our relationship from the day she was born. And now it's gone. (At least for now -- I assume it's gone for good, but I should really reserve that statement until more time has past.)

Maybe I didn't prepare myself, and possibly Baby J, as much as I should have. I know I didn't prepare for the basics of caring for my boobs. I forgot to bring nursing pads and cabbage leaves and I hadn't really read too much on the subject. I'd gotten info from friends, but not a ton. The first day my boobs were leaking, engorged and unbelievably painful. That just got worse as the day went on. The next day was the same. The next day was maybe a small bit better, or maybe I had just gotten used to the pain. Today is definitely better. I can see a size difference, there's less leakage and the pain is waining. I haven't pumped at all, which is an option. But, I think I'm over the hurdle, so I'm just sticking it out.

Yesterday I was weepy at points. Today I'm less weepy, but still emotional. I get weepy when she wants to nurse or I'm holding her while she's taking a bottle, or when I'm holding her as she's going to sleep. I'll never feel her sweet lips on me again. I'll never be able to meet that basic need with my own body. Of course, I'm weepy now as I write this. It's also making me realize that she is getting older and will keep getting older. I realize how hard (and good) life is going to be because of loving her so much.

Well, I'll post more on how she's doing with solid food, sleep and if she continues to stay weaned. I can't believe this day has come.

Being firm with myself and white noise

Things have been going ok at night. My husband is still taking care of Baby J, and most nights that consists of one full waking around 3:00 am, and a few minor wakings that require shusshing down. Last night it was just one waking at 3. He made her a bottle, she took a few sips, then fell asleep. Hopefully we'll be able to get her away from the bottle wakings at night.

But then, for the past few mornings, I've been taking her in bed with me around 6-6:30 when she wakes up. AND, I've been feeding her in bed. This was something that I was trying to avoid. I don't want her to get confused and think that this will happen in the middle of the night when she wakes up. But the lure of a few more minutes or even an extra hour of sleep fogs my mind. But, starting tomorrow I'm going to be firm with myself. When she wakes up anytime past 6:00 am I'm going to get myself up, go downstairs with her and either nurse her or feed her a bottle. Ideally we could go right to breakfast, then a sippy cup of milk, but that may be a little ways off.

I'm also trying to work on getting her in the habit of eating after sleeping. So, like, when she wakes up from her current nap (just got her down after an hour of crying and tantruming) I'm going to talk about food when I pick her up out of the crib, make the sign for food, and go right to her high chair. I did this yesterday and it worked ok, but she seemed a little too disoriented to really enjoy eating or eat a lot. Maybe I should give her a few minutes of play time (that's what I normally do), but that can just lead anywhere. (From playing in the nursery, to crawling up the stairs, to wanting to go outside, etc.)

So, about the putting down for her nap just now, it did not go well. It started off ok around 9:00 am. We went upstairs after a nursing session down in her nursery. Once upstairs, I read her some books and she seemed tired enough so we headed to the crib. Nothing unusual, just a little fussiness. But once in the crib she would stand, I would say "Lie down, hunny" and she would lie down after a few seconds. We do this over and over. Sometimes it escalates into fit-throwing, sometimes she goes to sleep. It was fit-throwing day. But, today I decided not to nurse her back to being calm. We've really got to get her to figure out other ways to calm herself.

So, she kind of starts going crazy, thrashing her body about, and it really doesn't do any good to hold her anymore. So I put her back in the crib and she's still upset. We go back and forth. But, today I told her that I was going to let her calm down a little and let her get her upsettedness out of her system while I went downstairs and gave her some space. She got quiet like she was listening, and stayed quiet until I reached the bottom step. Then she cried again. I let her cry for 10 minutes. :( Went back up and she wouldn't be calmed again. I held her for another 10 minutes and it was more of the same thrashing. I went downstairs again. For 10 ninutes she cried, though a little calmer. I went back upstairs after 10 minutes and picked her up. After a while I put her back in the crib, sung to her and that seemed to do the trick. She fell asleep.

After 15 minutes she woke up crying again. I went up, held her, and she started thrashing. I then decided to turn off the white noise and she got quiet. At first I thought she would start up crying again because whenever there is a new sound (or lack of sound) she quiets down to listen. But this time she stayed quiet. I shusshed her very quietly while swaying with her, then put her in the crib when her eyes were closed for about a minute. She opened her eyes when I put her down, but she was able to get back to sleep.

So, maybe she's tired of the white noise.

Putting Baby J to bed

Since I just did it with good success, I thought I'd write it down quickly.

We started bedtime pretty late, especially since she had not had her afternoon nap, so she was already pretty tired. I made a bottle for her (told her I was doing it, showed it to her) and then we went upstairs. I told her we were going upstairs to read some stories before going to bed. (Oh, by the way, Baby J is 14 months old.)

We sat down in the rocking chair where we normally do and I picked up about 5 books we could read. Normally we only read 3, but somehow I felt like she'd fuss if we didn't read more. Oh, but before we started reading I offered her the bottle. She took about 1/2 oz and then stopped.

So, we started reading. By the third book she was leaning over sideways like, with her head resting on my arm. She kind of pushed the book away and I knew it was time to stop. I repositioned her and offered her the bottle again. This time she took about 3 ozs, which, again, is good for her.

When she was done I stood up, turned off the light, closed the blinds and started to hum. I normally sing to her a lot when going to bed, but my husband and I both noticed that she doesn't seem to like this anymore. It's almost like she knows that means the crib is coming. I don't want her to have a negative assocation to singing, and I sing all day long to her, but I'll have to do more, I guess.

So, I started humming and she started to fuss. As I was humming I was also walking over to her crib, so the fussing could have more to do with that. Once we got to her crib I held her in the cradle position and swayed with her back and forth. She likes a good bouncy sway, so I usually add some bend in the knees as well. I started shusshing rymthically to her and she quieted down. I kept this up for about 5 minutes and then she started to push away and dive for the crib. I put her in the crib on her side and shusshed her about 30 more seconds, really softly. Then I backed away and watched her for about 2 minutes to make sure she wasn't going to be disturbed by my going downstairs noises. (We have super creaky stairs.)

This was a pretty good night. There are nights when I'm up there for an hour shusshing her or when I put her in the crib she is still for 30 secs then pops up over and over again. So, I'm pretty happy about things tonight.

One bottle wake up night

Last night we went back to my husband tending to Baby J and it worked well. She woke up around 3:00 am, he helped her back to sleep a few times by patting her and talking quietly to her, but then she was finally up wanting a bottle. So, he gave her one and she downed 3 ozs. (That's a good amount for her. Usually she'll do one ounce, stop, and maybe go back for another.)

She's staying all night in the crib, which was a goal, so that's good. Though I do miss having her next to me in bed. But, we are sleeping much better. When we made the decision to really try to get her in her own crib it was largely becuase we weren't functioning well enough on the quality and quantity of sleep we were getting with her in bed. So, it's for the greater good that we are doing this.

And, I don't really notice much of a difference in her behavior during the day, so I think it's working ok for her to. If anything she naps better, easier and longer.

But...but...

Why, oh why, did I write such a confident post yesterday? I really thought Baby J's days of night nursing were over. Then last night she woke up around 1:00. My husband settled her down a few times but she kept waking up. By the third time she fussed he asked me if I could take over. This was the first time I'd gone to her at night in over a week.

When I got to her crib I picked her up and shusshed and rocked her. This normally works out pretty well when I'm putting her to sleep, or shussing her from a brief waking during a nap. It really did not work last night. She just started screaming really loudly. She does this thing where she bangs her mouth on my arm or shoulder or any hard surface and makes a sound like "ba ba ba ba" over and over. When she does this it usually means that there'll be no rest until ma ma milk is served.

But, before I nursed, I did go downstairs and make her a bottle of formula. She pushed it away repeatedly.

What can I say. It was late, we were tired, we decided to go ahead and give her ma ma milk, even though we'd been working so hard not to. I think it was the right decision, because she didn't make a peep again until 6:30 am.

When she does wake up, I now greet her and bring her downstairs to nurse. I guess we're trying not to nurse her upstairs at all, to lessen the nursing to sleep association.

So anyway, the plan for tonight is to have Michael tend to her again and have him give her a bottle if she wakes up hungry.

Catching up!

Wow, have I been slack about posting!

There have been a few changes in the past 6 months. Well, maybe, actually, only a few. We are still trying to wean Baby J, get her to sleep all night in her own crib, and eventually in her own room.

Recently we decided to try having my husband take sole responsibility for her at night while I slept in the guest room. We were only going to try it over a long weekend (since my husband wouldn't have to go in to work) but then he suggested extending it to a full week. I was pretty happy by this suggestion as it meant I could try to get a full night sleep!

We have a pack n play in our bedroom with us, so our immediate goal is to get her sleeping in that all night and not nursing throughout the night. The first night she was up half the night and ended up sleeping in bed with my husband for a good portion of that time. He says he held her, rocked her, shusshed her, tried to give her a bottle, and in the end let her fall alseep in bed on his chest - the only thing that would calm her. But she was definitely fitfull most of the night. She was fine the next day and ate a little more solid food. (which is also one of the main reasons why my husband wants this all to work out. He's worried she's not eating enough.)

The second night was worse, apparantly. (though not for me, as I was able to get more rest. The first night I had insomnia. Uhh.)

The third night she slept longer before waking, and was, overall, easier to quiet down.

Then by the 7th night, out of nowhere, she slept through the night. The main difference was that we introduced some ambient white noise into the room, in addition to the fan.

The 8th night, same thing.

The 9th night, she woke up around 3:00 am ready to eat. So, my husband gave her a bottle and I think she slept with him the rest of the night.

Two nights ago I finally joined the gang back up in our bedroom. It went pretty well, but she did wake up for a bottle around 4, and a few times off an on. My husband is still tending to her so she won't start night nursing again, so the details are groggy. Last night she lasted until 5:20 before wanting (and getting) a bottle.

We'll see what happens tonight.

Good eating day

According to my last post I was going to be tackling nighttime nursings. Hmmm. Nothing new to report there. I need to form a plan, I suppose. Last night she fed about as frequently as she normally does (every 2 hours), but she didn't wake up as much in apparant discomfort. It was just more whiney, like, where is the boob, sort of fussiness. So that's good.

I'm not sure what will happen tonight because she's already asleep in the carseat (nice long drive will do that) but we haven't given her her Zantac yet. Will be interesting to see if she's more fussy tonight.

But, she did eat lots of food today. My husband got up with her this morning and fed her some carrots mixed with rice cereal. Then he brought her back to bed to me to nurse because she was still fussy. But I thouht he said that she wouldn't eat. So, when she woke up (she fell asleep nursing) I fed her more carrots and cereal. Then at dinner she ate avocado smooshed up with cereal and gulped the whole thing down. This is only the second time she's finished what we prepared for her. (And I have no idea how much that was. I'll have to start measuring.) Then we gave her some Earth's Best 2 carrots not mixed with anything. I think she likes them the best on their own, but I want to make sure she's getting iron from the cereal.

Then she had some healthy swigs of formula. Tomorrow I think I'll work more on getting her to drink more formula. Maybe I'll even try a bottle again. She doesn't last too long on the sippy cup before she pushes it away. Not sure why. And holding the cup up to her mouth is so messy and I have no idea how much she really gets becuase so much runs down her chin.

As for the nightime plan, I'll see how it goes tonight and come up with a plan tomorrow.